"It's Hard To Be Me"
Whether she's making movies or music, has just broken up or just wed, JENNIFER LOPEZ is a headline waiting to happen. With her marriage to Marc Anthony, a new film, and an album on the way, she has no intention of sitting anything out. But don't take our word for it. Let her tell you
When I woke up on the morning of June 6, I was still buzzing from the two-hour breakfast I'd had with Jennifer Lopez the week before. We feasted on
bagels with lox, cream cheese, and red onions, and for dessert, thick slices of French toast slathered with banana cream. The setting, the garden outside the
famed Polo Lounge in The Beverly Hills Hotel, reeked of Hollywood glamour in the best possible way (Dylan McDermott was in the next canopied booth), and eating
with Ms. Lopez felt just right. Then I turned on my television, and the headline hit me: "Jennifer Lopez Weds Marc Anthony, Baby May Be On Board."
Certainly it's possible that the self-professed "Queen of Multitaskers" was running through a mental checklist of wedding preparations the entire
time she talked to me. Buttercream wedding cake? Check. 2000 blush roses? Check. $7 million worth of diamonds from Neil Lane? Triple check. And perhaps she
inhaled her food not because she was hungry, but because she was fighting pre-wedding jitters - or even eating for two. It hardly matters. The Jennifer Lopez
that sat across from me was relaxed, focused, and intent on talking about her life at this moment (or at that moment).
This fall, Lopez will hit the big screen in Shall We Dance, in which she plays a ballroom teacher who reignites the passion in the life of a middle-class man
played by Richard Gere. It was a script that resonated deeply with her. "It's about a woman who doesn't want to deal with her emotions, so she
shuts down. And it's such a metaphor for where I am in my life. I just want to keep everybody back and say, 'Hold on, give me some space, let me figure
put what all of this means.' I feel like I need to develop a whole new approach because of everything I've been through."
But as guarded as she says she intends to be, Lopez has to fight her natural tendency to bubble over. Whether she's talking about making movies or making
music, shopping for fashion or archiving it for posterity, connecting with her past or banking on the future, Lopez is not one to hold back. She'd like to
be taken at her word. And she'd also like a little more cream cheese for that bagel.
Q: You were born in New York and work in Los Angeles. So why do you call Miami home?
A: I did a movie there years ago, and after I was there three days, I knew I was going to live there. I just felt like home. I love the culture of that town -
it's very Latino. I love the sunshine and the humidity. I love being that close to the water, and I love that beachy feeling. For me, the hotter the
better. Everybody will tell you that. If you come into my trailer, it's like a steam room. Cold is the most miserable thing in the whole world to me. My
worst memory of growing up in New York was getting up in the winter and putting my little feet down on the cold floor every morning.
Q: Singer, dancer, actress, designer, restaurateur - you are the ultimate Hollywood hyphenate. In what priority do you put things?
A: These questions are really making me think! I hate that, especially on a Sunday! Definitely actress and singer are my top priorities. All the other things
I've ventured off into have just been passion projects. Since I was very young, fashion has been a great love of mine, so designing clothes is really fun.
The restaurant happened because I wanted to do something with my dad, and I was really proud of it because I did it all by myself. I didn't have investors
or partners or anything.
Q: What drives you?
A: Wanting to be creative, to literally create things. I love to be involved with something from the beginning and then see people enjoy it.
Q: What if they don't? Does it matter if it fails or succeeds?
A: Not so long as you make something that you're proud of. That is always the intention going in. Whether it's a film or a song or a restaurant or a
piece of clothing, you want to see it on the street, and you want people to like it. At the end of the day, though, success doesn't gauge the artist. You
just hope you're successful so that you can continue doing what you want to do. And even if you're not, you can still do what you want on a different
level. Me, I'm never going to stop the creative process.
Q: Do you have to do so many things?
A: Yes. It's just part of who I am, and I don't try to fight that. It feels natural to me to have a lot going on. It's stimulating. It's as if
I feel, from someplace deep inside me, that I have to do it. But at the same time, it is a balancing act, because it's a lot to juggle at once.
Q: You have a great attitude about your body. How did you learn to love it?
A: I grew up in the Bronx, and the women there are voluptuous, heavier - you know, much heavier than what's considered normal within the culture of
Hollywood - and also very beautiful. And so my impression of what was beautiful was what I saw in my own neighborhood. And once I went through puberty, I
looked more like everyone around me, so I felt normal, not big. And certainly the men loved that - they didn't thing I was flabby or nasty or too big. So I
just always had that positive kind of outlook on it. I still do.
Q: Where did all your drive come from?
A: I remember watching a dance recital when I was, like, 6 years old. The girls were performing for a crowd, and I was too young to be in the show, and I
remember being so upset about it. So I turned to my friend, and I said, "Don't you look at that and want to do it, too?" And she said,
"No." I was baffled! Like, doesn't everybody want to do that? But it' something that you're born with, I think.
Well, that's how it was for me.
Q: Do you think people expect you to act like a star?
A: I think so. I think so. I don't know, I think it's fun for people to imagine that I live some crazy, glamorous life. But I think sometimes they
expect me to be difficult, or to act like a "star". It's a mystery to me, because I see myself only focused, prepared, and professional. When
I'm working, I'm there to deliver. To be taken seriously. And as a woman in this business, it's important to be that way, because it's so easy
to get labeled as a difficult or bitchy, when I'm not that at all.
Q: Let's talk about movies. Are there any roles that you wish you had gotten that slipped through your fingers?
A: Yeah, yeah, sure…
Q: Such as?
A: I remember when I was doing Blood & Wine in Miami, and I got a call about a script called Jerry Maguire. My manager at the time said, "It's
genius! It's written by Cameron Crowe!" I was so excited, because Say Anything was my favorite movie - and still is. I just said, "Oh my God, get
me in there, get me in there!" But he said, "No, no, no, it's not for you." And then it turned out to be the best movie, and I was like,
Ugh! But Renée Zellweger was perfect for it. Fantastic. I think movies are all about casting, and you've got to pick the right people for things. If
something is meant for you, then it's for you, and if it's not for you, then it's not for you.
Q: Which is more fun, romantic comedies or wearing a leather jacket and kicking ass?
A: There's something about doing a romantic comedy, about playing that fantasy feminine role, that's just fun. It's great to create something
that's so inspirational that it comes across as a fairy tale. And when you're doing a romantic comedy, let's face it, it's just a more
enjoyable way to spend the day.
Q: OK, I have to ask. Are you archiving all your fabulous fashions?
A: I try to, but I'm ghetto! I have a small storage closet where I have a lot of my performance outfits, but nothing is labeled or put in any order or
anything. I remember everything, though - what it is and when I wore it and all that. Looking through that stuff is like going down memory lane.
Q: What are your favorite things in your closet at the moment?
A: I think Marc Jacobs is just on fire right now. Anything Marc Jacobs - shoes, dresses, jackets. What he does for Louis Vuitton and what he does for his own
line just blows my mind. All of it has that same feminine, flirty thing that I'm really feeling right now. I also have these beautiful pink Christian
Louboutin shoes that look ballerina-ish but have little steel tips on the stiletto heels.
Q: Just the thing for stomping on the paparazii?
A: Just in case. Does anyone ever write anything nice about me?
Q: Oh, let the pity partly begin! It's so hard being you, right?
A: Yeah, it's hard sometimes! It gets ugly and horrible at times, but I'm not going to complain about it. It's also good. I'm grateful that I
get to do what I love, but I do feel that I have to protect myself at times. I'm not going to blame anyone for the things I've done through in my life,
though. I have to look at myself and say, OK, what have I done to contribute to this?
Q: Tell the truth: What do you want that you don't have?
A: I'd like to have more peace of mind. Does that sound funny? Maybe only to me. It's just…there are so many things going on, like all the things that
I'm involved in and responsible for. I just think it would be nice to switch off my head for a while. To turn in off and go, OK.
Q: Have you ever thought that all this just isn't worth it?
A: It's a fleeting thought. Success is great, but it comes with its own set of problems that are very difficult for other people to understand. I feel like
everybody else does; there are great things about my life, and then there are things about it that are tough. Those feelings are universal.
Q: With great power comes great responsibility, as they say in Spider-Man.
A: Yes, I am Spider-Man-like! When you're young and idealistic, it's all beautiful and exciting. Because of who I am and what I do, part of that energy
comes from being open to experiences and unafraid and uninhibited. Then you realize those things have repercussions that are profound.
Q: I get the feeling that anything you don't like, you either change or work on changing.
A: That's true. If sometimes feels uncomfortable to me, no matter how much it hurts or how difficult or confrontational it will be, I'll change it.
I'm not afraid o anything once I've really gone over it in my head and feel like it's the right thing to do. I believe in the philosophy or the
present - in living right now; not worrying about the future so much, and not worrying about the past so much, and just not missing the moment at hand.
Q: So who is Jennifer at this moment?
A: A little more private, I think. A little more…intimate. My world is becoming a little bit smaller, because for a minute there, it felt way too far out of my
reach. I'm choosing to kind of bring it in and let people into my world in a different way than I did before. And maybe it will be more fulfilling for me.
I'm starting from the beginning, and I think it's going to be a whole new set of experiences and a whole new approach to what I do.
