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Smut for Sale

Out-of-work actors, street-corner regulars and die-hard Jennifer Lopez fans, have we got news for you. They're casting for J.Lo's new music video. Gonna be shot by none other than David LaChapelle, and Marc Anthony will not be making a cameo, so the air's confirmed to be super sex-ay. And instead of trying to connect with her Puerto Rican heritage, as she did semibadly in El Cantante, J.Lo just wants to slut it up this time around. Which are her real roots, right? Without further ado, we present excerpts from said condom-ready call:

"It's a sexy, sweaty underworld through which Jennifer struts with all the street-tough style of a ghetto goddess, channeling Pam Grier in films like Foxy Brown. She's a vision of a badass street vixen, starring in a modern take on Sweet Charity."

Uh, Earth to J.Lo: This video (for "Do It Well," one assumes) sounds like it's headed for success as much as your last flick effort. I mean, did you catch Molly Ringwald in her stage debacle redo of Charity? Reviews were about as kind as you and M.A. got for El, just so ya know.

Continues the help-wanted ad for dancers 'n' such: "This is a world of danger, where everything is colored in shades of gold, from dark to light, but still dirty and gritty. Walls are made of cinder block, painted gold and covered in graffiti. Furniture is chipped and tarnished gold. The world Jennifer has entered is a seedy ghetto harem." More par-ticks:

Hookers
Background / Male or Female / All Ethnicities / 18-90
Badd Ass Girls / Guygirl...to Shoot with David LaChapelle...will be an amazing opportunity...However, expect the unexpected...This is creating true art... Wardrobe: Street Hooker
Rate: $150 + 20%

Call Girls/Hookers
Featured / Male or Female / All Ethnicities / 18-90
This is it! How much description is needed really...pregnant...seven feet tall...blue hair...shaved head...sexy as hell fierce!!! Transsexual or cross-dresser.
Wardrobe: Honeyyyyy / Come Kill It
Rate: $250 + 20%

Pimps
Featured / Male / All Ethnicities / 18-90
In knowing this artist, and his work...we are seeking men from all walks of life!!! From edgy to badass...to fat...to skinny...to tattooed...scarred...Very character driven...Think Al Pacino, Scarface...Robert De Niro, Taxi Driver
Wardrobe: The role description says it all!!!
Rate: $250 + 20%

Uh, I realize the above lingo sounds like it's straight outta the Awful Truth archives, but dollfaces, trust, the masterpiece prose you've just perused appears courtesy actorsaccess.com, which, if the goss blogs are blowin', you can always count on for true ironic news o' the day.

Gosh, doesn't this new J.Lo project sound like the perf next pro step for Lindsay Lohan, post-post-postrehab, on the heels of her latest stripper-movie bomb?

And what the ef's goin' on with yet more pimp 'n' ho shoots? Doesn't everybody know that's so last Brit and K-Fed wedding party?

Jennifer, now I'm beginning to understand why you and Jane Fonda didn't get along during the making of Monster-in-Law-a falling out I'm still hearing 'bout. I mean, that Fonda bitch has megatalent, not just the loud mouth 'n' bitchin' bod you love to peddle so. J.F.'s onscreen cojones must have intimidated you (as I'm told they most certainly did), but is that any reason to backtrack into your slutty couture Diddy days of yore?

You were great in Out of Sight, remember? You had great presence with no less than George Clooney. You held your own. You deferred, on occasion. You didn't try to dominate an Academy Award-winning actor with your Jenny from the Block shtick, think ya can do it again?

Hope so. This just ain't how.